16th December 2014, Peshawar

With my Closed eyes I Guess I don’t need my glasses anymore , not that if I needed them I could get them. I remember losing them somewhere, somewhere in the hallways.

I remember I couldn’t see anymore. Only hear. I remember what I had to hear was not something my mom would approve of. Perhaps hearing my teacher scream at me in class I would’ve preferred to hear her scream because of death. I remember while we were running, nay, moving ourselves out of reach as fast as we could I passed the board, the board the school put up the pictures. And just once did I get get be put up there. Now no one would see.

I thought of all the times my mom had asked me to look  over my sister in school. The brat who kept taking my things and drawing in my notebooks. I never gave her a side glance after we reached school, kept out of her way whenever I could , besides I’ll see her everyday for the rest of my life peeking through the crack in the door watching how I do my hair. I remember how frantic I was before I closed my eyes, how I was screaming , how she was screaming, it didn’t seem to end. And just this once I prayed, I prayed to Allah that I  find her. I prayed that I could catch her doodling in my notebook one last time. I prayed that I get to teach her how to do her hair better than mine.

I would’ve kept screaming her name and praying , but I felt it pierce my thigh, I felt the agony I had only seen on TV screens.I now remember how the actors did the pain no justice. I remember how  I couldn’t move only scream and then I remember seeing the face I had been screaming for , I saw her worried scared face light up, I saw a teardrop fall off her cheek because of her momentary smile. I prayed she’d run away and hide I wanted to tell her but I couldn’t, I couldn’t stop screaming. She was running, running in the wrong way. No you idiot for just this once don’t think about me. Just go! but I couldn't tell her and she wouldn't even if I did . I wonder if she saw anything that was going on the room except me and my bullet pierced thigh I saw scores of emotion flash through her face while ran to me. She didn't run away.

And I remember. I remember how her body fell. How her tiny body fell. How she lay flat  on my body. I remember when she was a baby we used play this game , where she lays flat on my body and I would lift her  with my calf and she, with her arms wide out would  scream superman! I remember her cheeks flushed, eyes shining and heartbeat thudding against my leg , Faster as I lifted her higher. And now I remember her falling on me, the way she used to sleep  on my mom. I felt heat creep up my body and had a second of momentary confusion. And then I remember how, right before she fell I heart the gunshot, nay the series of gunshots and how it hit her chest , the chest she would one day be asked to cover with the beautiful scarf I had bought for her birthday next week. And I remember right before she fell the green sweater was staining itself. Dark as it is when we lift it from the washing machine. And now I remember I could hear her heartbeat the once that used to race dimming away on my body. I could feel it falter and then with a final beat how it stopped. I remember.

I remember how my mom kissed her forehead this morning and told her she would be praying for the alphabet test she had today. I remember how she asked me to help her on they way to school. I wonder if she ever took that test. I wish I had helped her instead of writhing away her hand as soon as we were out of the sight of our home. I wish I had told her that I knew she had kept a munch on my desk and pretended she didn't know anything about it. I wish I could tell her I knew. I knew she loved me and I wish I could tell her I did too.